The Hands of the Great Physician
by joymariposa
Summary: While waiting for the birth of their baby, Neil risks his life searching for a cure for Trachoma.
1. Chapter 1

'Neil, it's time. Hattie wants one last word with you." I could barely force the words out. I hated these cases. I enjoyed spending a lot of time with Neil as we worked together, but I still hurt whenever Neil hurt- whenever there wasn't anything he could do to help a patient: when a mother died in childbirth because she refused more medical care than Alice's mid-wifing skills, or when feuding killed a good man. But this was different, this person was the last person in Neil's family still alive. I grieved when my baby sister died of scarlet fever, and Neil was there when my father died from a heart attack, but besides his confession about Margaret's drowning, I had yet to see him grieve someone he dearly loves until now.

He was staring out of the cabin, watching the birds she loved so much. Hattie's sweet tea concoctions and warm aroma's still linger in the air. It seemed as if he barely registered that I was talking to him, and so I started to reach out my hand to rub his arm. Startled, he gave me a sad smile before walking back to Hattie's bed. I had guessed that he would be distant, and as quiet as he was, he would always be friendly and open. I didn't want him to go back to the Neil that he was before he knew God. Although he was growing so quickly in his faith in God, he had yet to be tested in this way, and I was trying not to expect too much of him, but I was still so scared.

"Christy." I continued to stare after Neil as I felt someone pull me into a hug. "Thee didn't think thee and Neil would be the only ones to say goodbye to an old friend, did thee?"

"Oh, Alice. I'm sorry. Of course not, I did send John to tell you, didn't I? We just wanted some time before the whole Cove would run to her side." She smoothed my hair out with her hand in a motherly gesture.

"I know. I'll go relieve Neil." I felt myself reaching out again, but this time I was yearning for the wisdom of Alice's age. "Alice, I'm afraid. Neil's been sad, angry, and irritable lately."

"He hasn't hurt you?" She whispered harshly so that he couldn't hear us.

"No, nothing like that," I waved my hand, "but I'm afraid that this might give him a cause to turn his back on God. He has done it before." My eyes started to pool with tears. But I didn't hide my emotion. She gently wiped the tear from my cheekbone and held my chin in her hand.

"Look at me Christy. He loves thee so dearly. Keep an eye on him and encourage him to continue in his faith, but if thee is to be sure of one thing in life, it is that Neil has given his whole heart, and his whole future into God's hands, the Great Physician." She gave me one more hug. Neil's cry pierced the mountain air, and seemed to absorb all the sights and smells that were a part of Hattie. Alice rushed over to Neil, and bent down to close Hattie's eyelids with a touch of the finger. I couldn't bare it anly longer, seeing him hurting so much. I gathered him into my arms, and my face became wet first with his tears until my tears mingled with his. My first instinct was to pull his hand down towards my swelling baby bump. I couldn't bring myself to say anything about the baby and our happiness while Hattie died, but I could remind him that there were still possibilities in life, still a future for us despite the loss of his loved one.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The funeral was held a week after. Fairlight and Mary Allen helped me attend to the body. I was surprised to see Neil fully attentive to me while he grieved. While we had been staying vigil at Hattie's side for a few weeks, he had been all of those things I mentioned to Alice, but now, he had a sense of purpose about him again, and I couldn't place my finger on what had changed him. I was however, curious about why he was burning the midnight oil down in his lab. He usually wasn't so secretive with me. Ever since I had broken into his lab in search of some medicine for Alice's arm and fever, his trachoma research was our secret. I felt so special when he finally opened up to me, and talking about medicine was a bond we continued to share while I assisted him as his nurse. But it had been awhile since he last mentioned anything about his passion of finding a cure for trachoma. Even after I married him, I know that it is partly the mystery about him that attracts me so much.

"Neil?" I knocked on the lab door. I knocked again. This time I could hear a grunt from the other side. I knew opening the lab door was risky, but I did it anyways. We hadn't discussed much about how much access to the lab I was allowed, but especially now that I was pregnant. Neil had a tendency to be overprotective.

"Christy? Watch out if you're coming in here, I've started experimenting again." I could hear his voice, but I couldn't find him amongst all the test tubes, vials, microscopes and piles of documented research. I noticed one of my drawings of Hattie nailed on a shelf next to an eye staring at me from inside a glass jar of water. I had a sinking feeling that he had not been sorting out how losing Hattie was affecting him.

"Experimenting on what?" He grunted again again, and gruffly replied,"Come on, you already know what I've been doing in here all these years." For all his willingness to be vulnerable with his wife, now was one of those times when he retreated back into his mysterious secrets and was impervious to questions.

"I think I already know, but what if I want to hear it from you?" I inched through the room, and finally spotted a mess of Neil's hair. I caught his eyes so he would look at me. "Don't you think I have a right to know?" I had already learned in our short marriage that it was better not to assume anything about what Neil was doing. Neil's conversation and explanation had always calmed my worries and fears about any dangers I could perceive, and in doing so, we prevented the grapevine of gossip longer than Cutter Gap from expanding my worries from thin air. If he was ever late from a home visit, he would let me know through trusted sources such as Alice or the Spencer family. Otherwise, I would keep faith that he was just fine, and would tell me later why he could not get word to me.

"Trachoma. Curing Trachoma." I started rubbing his shoulders.

"Yes? What about it?" I heard him sigh and turn around his chair to face me. He took off his reading glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Sit down Christy, I don't like you standing on your feet all day long." He patted his lap and I obeyed coyly and rolled my eyes.

"Go on love, what were you saying?" He pointed to the picture of Hattie. I played with a button on his shirt and waited.

"Well, love, a fire has reignited in me, and renewed my passion to finding the cure. I had been working on it, but when I found you, I didn't need to continue the search anymore. I felt more fulfilled in our relationship than I ever did with trudging along in the dark to eradicate trachoma from my people. I had lost hope that a cure was possible." His thumb rubbed the back of my hand that he was holding, and he breathed deeply before continuing, "Margaret didn't just drown on accident Christy. She couldn't handle the tuberculosis, and so she killed herself. I didn't know how to deal with that, and so I threw myself into research. You brought me back from grief Christy, and that's why I could let you grieve when your father died. I knew how important it was to have someone who would stay by you and believe in you." I stared into his soulful eyes. His story had not given me answers, but more questions. "Let's go eat dinner. I'm starving, and you are eating for two." He helped me up and guided me back through the room to the dining room where I had set the food on the table.

I didn't push him to talk about his research while we ate. I'd have to bide my time and wait for another opportunity. Meanwhile, maybe I could ask Alice about how he dealt with grief. She told me bits and pieces of her relationship with Margaret; it was not a happy one. We believed Alice to be our most trusted source of information. She would not share anything we confided in her with anyone without permission, and she had always been wise when I asked her for advice. Tomorrow I would be going to the Mission to begin teaching the adults how to read. I knew the women were waiting a long time for this, but it was a hard sell to the men. I had to use my 'persuasive' ways to convince them that it would help their lives so much if they could only read the state newspaper so that they wouldn't mind if their wives learned too. I was takin' quite a gamble that I would be able to pull some ideas out of my head that would help them earn a little more for the cove. I hoped (and prayed) to God I was right.

Alice and I sat in rocking chairs on the front porch for a spell in the morning. Neil had accompanied me all the way to the Mission on Prince. I loved how he cherished me, but he held on so tight sometimes I noticed a hint of possessiveness in him. He was visiting the cemetery while we spent some time together, and hopefully he'd leave once everyone came for the lesson and go fishing.

Alice was the first one to break the silence.

"Neil seems to be just fine."

"Yes, Alice, appears that way." She tilted her head to look at me for a second and turned it back to look at the immediate landscape. "I sense some tension in thou voice."

I sighed. "His doctor self is taking over his private self. I don't know if he would want me to tell anyone this, but-" I paused and Alice looked at me quizzically again. "He's resumed his trachoma research. I can feel all his emotion focusing in on it." I was surprised to hear myself say this so matter-of-factly. It was the first time in the last few days that I had admitted that outloud. I was starting to get sleepy. I was nearing my third month in my first pregnancy and I had been exhausted all hours of the day and night.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder gently, and there Fairlight was standing over me with concern in her face. Alice was no longer in the rocking chair beside me, and the sun was just past the noon position as the sky was getting a little bit darker.

"How long did I sleep? I hope you didn't cancel class today, I've been looking forward to this for a couple months now!" Fairlight's lips turned up into a smile that reached her eyes, "No Christy, we're all just here now. I came to wake ye up so's we could start." My older friend and mentor reached both of her hands toward me and pulled me up from the rocking chair. "Thank goodness, I could have slept the whole day like that." Fairlight put her arm around me and guided me towards the schoolhouse. "Yer baby's going to be beaut-i-ful Mrs. MacNeil, ye got to just keep on thinkin' bout that. When I was expectin' John, well, I had all kinds of mornin' sickness, and my stomach lurched at the tiniest smell and I could hardly keep anything down, but I fell in love my baby John the first moment I felt him kick." She leaned closer to my ear and whispered like she was telling a secret, "I think for all the pain and labor women go through, that the men have it the hardest. Poor Jeb couldn't do anything to make me happy, and he paced around nervous like a lost horse until John was born. If he would'a been allowed in the room to hold my hand, I probably would'a broke it!" Somehow she said it just right to make me giggle.

When we reached the school house, I noticed I would have the same problem with the adults as I did with the children. The men sat around one table and the women at another. I had wanted them to sit together, but this would have to do for now, as long as I could get them to work on assignments together in their homes. Fairlight would have to be the disciplinarian with the adults, and I was glad she could be my aide. From our weekly reading lessons last year, Fairlight would be able to help organize the group lessons now. I know that eventually the Allens would want to be able to read their son Rob's stories that my father had published in the Asheville newspapers. My mother was kind enough to take up the responsibility once he died, because she knew how much the Allen family could use the income.

I hadn't had much time to organize the first few lessons because I had been so tired lately, but fortunately I would just be able to go through the alphabet for the first one, so I started with 'A'.

As soon as I had taken up the chalk and written the capital and lower case letter, and begun to ask, "what words start with the sound 'ah', or 'aye'?" Birds' Eye showed up on the schoolhouse porched, his face red all over, one hand clutching his rifle and the other clenched in a fist.

"I just saw the Doc diggin' up Miss Hattie!" All the men got up to follow him back towards the cemetery, causing a ruckus, and the woman stared at each other in shock. But before I could get over my own shock and shout them, I heard another gun cocked and pointed at Birds' Eye, and gasped when I caught a glimpse of a boot that belonged to Miss Alice.


	3. Chapter 3

My breathing caught up in my throat, and my hand landed on the nearest thing to steady me. I didn't see but heard a shot ring out. Surprised, I stared straight ahead of me at Birds' Eye and Alice still seemingly frozen in place. The rest of the group had also looked up in surprise. Birds' Eye turned around as well, startled and distracted. I watched as Alice moved her left hand swiftly and wrench his rifle from his hand while her right index finger kept steady on the trigger. "Mr. Taylor," her commanding voice was always strangely comforting in stressful circumstances, 'Whatever dangerous mischief you are planning for Dr. MacNeil can surely be handled in a more peaceful way. I've had enough of the damage to this cove that your hateful ways have made. You know me to be a woman of my word, correct?'

She paused, allowing him a moment to confirm in a defeated grunt, 'Uh-huh.'

'Then if you but attempt to shoot one more person in Cutter Gap for any reason, whether it be to protect your illegal store of moonshine, feuding, or anything else whatsoever, I will not wait to call the Marshals to bring you to justice, I will shoot you myself. Is that clear Mr. Taylor?' Another grunt. He reached submissively for his gun, which Miss Alice kept deftly away from him. He paused a moment indignantly as if to grunt his dissatisfaction, but thought better of it. 'Mr. Spencer, Mr. Mchone, will you kindly escort Mr. Taylor to his cabin and appoint someone to keep watch over his activities?' Both men moved either side of Birds' Eye and roughly seized his arms. As they passed by Miss Alice, their shocked expressions showed. This had never been done before in Cutter Gap, and it was difficult to tell if there would be any success. Birds' Eye would easily find another rifle, and no one wanted to be around him when he was in one of his moods even if to prevent more violence on his part.

It was then when Charlie came galloping, crashing wildly through the forest, Neil's saddlebags flapping against him. My eyes searched desperately for Neil. My hand slipped from the chair and I fell. I had forgotten for a moment that my body had been faltering, and now I remembered. Hands reached out to touch me and comfort me. I heard Alice shout for Dan-something about Neil? She rushed over to me and examined me quickly. 'Christy, you're bleeding!' But I felt safe, with her there, I felt safe.

"I've stopped the bleeding for now; Fairlight, you stay with Christy and let me know if anything changes." It was said more like a command, but Alice looked to Fairlight with a worried face. Fairlight was already sitting close and holding my hand, but I saw her nod and felt her squeeze my hand harder. I nodded too. "Go Alice, Neil needs you," I felt alright. Assured, Alice rushed to wherever they had laid Neil down. I hadn't seen him at all, but I could hear him moaning in pain somewhere close by. Why didn't they put him close to me? I had to see him and comfort him just as Fairlight was with me. "Fairlight, I'm feeling alright, I want to go to Neil. I want to know where he was shot." She shot me a glare, "Don't even think about it Miz Christy. You are stayin' right here until the doc can have a look at ya. Don't look at me that way, I know the doc is wounded. He wouldn't want you to go there at all."

"But he needs me," I pleaded with her and started to get up. Fairlight held her ground and so I sat back down. "Look Christy, I know you're hurtin' something fierce for your husband, but you gotta just hold onto me and let this pass. Someone will let us know soon what's happenin'." I held onto her and squeezed as hard as I could.

It must have been at least an hour later until I heard anymore footsteps come close this way. Everyone who had been at the schoolhouse for the first reading lesson had either cleared out, or sat on the front steps to pray. I was glad for the support. I could tell he was walking quickly and when his face appeared, it looked grim. Dan was an honest man, and he generally let his emotion show. I hoped it wasn't bad news.

"He's alright. We got the bleeding down and Alice worked fast to close the wound and bandage him up. We couldn't get the bullet out, and it is ok where it is." He paused and I breathed a sigh of relief. "But Christy," his eyes were full of concern, and his look gentle. I knew then that it was too good to hope for. There was something wrong. "It is in his hand. Luckily, it hit the muscle that holds the opposable thumb to the palm of the hand, so it didn't get any bones or tendons, but.."

"He won't be able to perform surgeries for the foreseeable future. We can do a little research and find a good specialist who can maybe get the bullet out and save his hand, but it is doubtful." I hadn't realized that Alice was in the room I was so focused on Dan. But somehow I was glad she was the one who said it. Alice knew that it was possible that this pain was almost as bad as dying for someone in Neil's profession. Instantly, I moved to get up again to go to him, but this time Alice rushed to me, "Christy, we can get you to a more comfortable spot, but I know your husband would put you on bedrest at least until the danger is past." Instead of fighting her, I caved in. I couldn't hold the tears any longer. I could feel her arms envelop me. In between sobs and sniffles, I managed to confess, "I'm so scared Miss Alice, what's going to happen?"

"Hold onto the hope you have in the Lord Christy. No one knows what the future brings, but no matter what happens, your heavenly Father will never leave you." How did she know that I was wishing for Daddy just right this minute? When I was little, he had always been there to kiss my bruises and scratches and hold me until I felt better. But now he was gone. He would no longer be here to protect me or comfort me when bad things happened. All I have now is Neil, and if something ever really happened to him… "Please, take me to him, I need to see him." I pleaded so desperately, and Alice grimly allowed it, "but only for a few minutes. Then you need your rest, you both do."

"But how can I rest without him?" I felt my question disappear into the soft wind that was blowing outside as we walked towards the mission-house.

Inside, I saw Neil laid down on the parlor sofa, his arm stretched out and his bandaged hand resting on an ottoman/makeshift surgical table. A flat piece of wood had been put on top of the ottoman to make the cushion level. Alice and Fairlight sat me down in a rocking chair close to the sofa, and I reached over to gently touch his wounded hand. Groaning softly, Neil turned his head to look at me and faintly smiled. Glancing at my slight baby bump, he said, "We are quite a pair, aren't we?" I couldn't help but laugh.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing the characters of the tv series, 'Christy'.

'Fairlight, you are so kind to come over and fix a couple meals for us. We're beholden to you.' I didn't know how else to say it, what she was doing meant so much Neil and I. But I knew she would say it was no trouble at all.

'Oh, don't you fret Christy, you are like family. 'sides, you've always helped me out when I've been in a scrape.' She could always make me feel good about myself. 'Were you going to say something else Fairlight?' She had opened her mouth as if to say something more, but then closed it again and shook her head. 'Oh nothing, just frettin' over a little thing. Let's get on with the reading lesson, please?'

I could see it in her eyes that she was worried, and I knew her almost well enough as a sister by now to know it was something serious.

'Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?' I had been overly concerned and worried about the baby and Niel lately that I had almost forgotten to be there for Fairlight. I cringed involuntarily, hoping that it hadn't affected our friendship too badly. 'I feel guilty that I've taken you for granted lately Fairlight- you've been such a blessing to me and Niel. Is there anything I can do for you?'

Fairlight looked back at me with a concerned look. 'Oh, Jeb and me are doing just fine Christy. It's- I think I seen something about Niel I don't think I'm ready to share with you yet. It might not be anything, I don't know. I don't want you frettin' over anything that won't help.'

Neil's health and appetite had improved over the last few days, and he had already been practicing eating with his left hand. It wasn't always pretty, but he kept his spirits up, and I was grateful for that.

I didn't want to tell Fairlight that her not telling me anything worried me more than her sharing, because it meant that it was something serious that she saw. I pushed the thought aside to think about later, 'alright. What book of the Bible were we in? That's right, the book of Job.' I felt a bit numb again. I couldn't help but feel that we were learning what Job was learning about the Lord giving and taking. I made sure to keep my eyes on the page I was reading rather than see her watch me. If I showed my concern over what she had said, she might not share the rest.

"Christy?"

"Hmm?" We had laid down in bed for the night and we were both still awake. I couldn't help but wonder if Fairlight's second-sight had warned her about something to do with me and Neil. But I had no idea what made Neil stay awake.

"Can I ask you something?" Neil had been unusual lately, but he had always been bold.

"Neil- you're my husband! Of course you can ask me anything."

"Would you still love me if my hand doesn't get fixed and I can't operate anymore?" I sat up in the dark and tried to read his face.

"I'm scared that you would lose your ability to heal people, but I'm more scared that I could lose you completely, that you would die." He positioned himself so that he could lean his head on his good hand and so he could look at me.

"So.." Hadn't I given him a complete answer? My teacherly mind nudged me on to finish.

"I love you Neil McNeil- the whole you, not just the doctor part of you. So yes, I would still love you. The only thing is.." I couldn't help fully disclosing my feelings, but I knew it was quite risky. Neil was being reflective and sensitive right now- would he understand?

But he voiced my thoughts and worries even before they became clear to my own mind,

"How much this will affect our lives, and how we live together? Who will take care of the cove now that I'm out of commission, and how we provide for our family?" I had nothing else to add to what he said, so I stayed silent and nodded in the dark.

"Wait a second!" He sat up a little clumsily. "We don't know anything yet. I received a letter from the hospital in Baltimore. They offered me a teaching and research position."

"And when were you going to tell me this? Between the stealing Hattie's eyes from the cemetery and starting up an old family feud?" I glared at him, realizing he might not receive the full effect in the darkness. I hadn't been mad at him a second before, only worried for him, for us. My angry tone surprised me.

"Ben Pentland just came by today while you were sleeping. You need your rest and I didn't want to wake you. If I had known they had sent me something a day earlier-"

"But it would mean leaving the cove, wouldn't it? I thought we were going to settle here!" I didn't want my indignant response to sound so childish. It was a desperate plea. Read between the lines Neil, I thought. I want to stay- please don't make us go.

"I haven't accepted it yet. I was thinking I could arrange for someone to look at my hand at least with that connection. We don't need to think that far ahead yet Christy." He wasn't fooling me. We already were. Even in all our arguments- of which there were still many after we got married- we both tended to look towards the future. Usually my optimism balanced his pessimism, but this time we both felt the desperation. There was a good chance that our lives had just changed forever. We didn't know yet, but we had to wait to find out.

Silence. I thought maybe he had fallen asleep. But then I heard him say in barely a whisper, as if he was telling me a deep dark secret, 'Margaret would have loved for me to lose a hand. Then I would have been locked with her in the cabin while she was sick. I think she blamed me for her sickness and not helping her get well. She wanted to punish me, so she killed herself by drowning.'

I reached out to him, but all I could say was, 'I'm not Margaret. What answer do you want? That I fell in love with you because you are a doctor? Or that I fell in love with who you are but not the doctor in you? Or something else? Anyway I answer, I'll get it wrong right now.' I tried not to get too upset, but answer as calmly as I could. 'I don't think your question is about whether or not I would love you if you lost your hand, but whether you would love yourself and find life worth living. I can't answer that for you.'

He was silent again. I turned around to my side so that I couldn't see him. Maybe he would think I was asleep. Finally, I heard him breathing deeply. But I knew I wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon. I was sad for him. I wanted to protect him from having to confront a potential loss like this, but I would not let him take it out on me. For some reason, I had the suspicion that Fairlight understood how Neil's wound would impact our lives before we did. I recalled that the McHone's had debated moving away the last time Fairlight had shared with me her second sight. Hopefully the only one experiencing nightmares of us moving away would be me.

In the morning it would be better. Lord, please let it be better.


End file.
